Just tweaking my life. Again

This has been a busy week. Aren't they all, though? Jackson came home from a week long camp, just in time to start getting ready to leave for China with Luke. Lanie and I have been trying to get things done as well in order to fly to Texas and then go home for a day before driving north to Minneapolis for another 4 days.  And I feel like even in all of the busyness of getting things done and preparing for trips ((yeah right...preparing *laugh*), God has been moving and speaking. And about one thing in particular...

Luke was able to take off work on Tuesday of this last week to attend a funeral with us in Sumner, where we pastored a church for 6 years. A funeral is never something we look forward to (obviously) but it's always amazing to see people I love so much all come to one spot. This particular funeral was for a grandpa. Grandpas seem to be one of the most loved people in the world and this one was no different. The church was packed to standing room only.

As I sat there and listened to the stories of this grandpa and the relationship he had with his children, grandchildren, and even great grandchildren, I saw that there was a similar theme running through all of the stories...and it was the same exact thing my heart keeps wandering back to this week. Time.

Although a lot of the stories revolved around fishing and hunting and checking the garden and 'engineering' new ideas, the common thread always revolved around the time that was spent together. Every child who spoke...every grandchild who shared...it was always the same. And this is not a little family. Story after story it went. "Grandpa and I would spend time doing this..." and "when grandpa and I did this...".

It was amazing to hear.

I heard about the special nicknames he gave to every single grandchild and the stories on why they received it.

I heard how they would go for drives and joke and laugh and look for animals out in the trees by the road.

And how they would go out in the boat but forget the paddles, leaving them with their imaginations and a shovel to get to shore.

So many stories. And honestly not one person who talked to me told me about the money he spent on them or the birthday parties he threw for them or the incredible wisdom he passed down; although maybe he did do all of those things. Instead they talked about being together and feeling known by him.

And as I sat and listened to the stories being shared, God pressed into my heart.  I started thinking about all of my favorite memories with the people I love.  Every single one of those memories involve people investing time into a relationship with me. Getting to know me and inviting me into their daily adventures (which at times include getting groceries and doing laundry and talking about life and the things that interest us and make us excited).

It doesn't feel that difficult to be generous in sharing our house...or even our things (well, it sometimes feels difficult to share my favorite Hawaiian coconut peanut butter, because you guys, I can't even describe to you how amazing it is. I just want to hide it in the back of the fridge so no one ever finds it. I don't...but I want to).  It's not that hard most of the time to give financially when there is a need, or even a want. And it's fun to give gifts and plan parties and events and send our kids to camps or retreats. Those things aren't wrong.  Don't misunderstand me, I missed Jackson when he was at camp for a week...like A TON...but you guys would not believe how much I got done  having just one child at home. If the offer had been there, the girl child's bags would've been packed to go as well and I would've spent a week of productivity and bike riding and trail running and frolicking and maybe even taking a few naps in the middle of the day.  And they both would've had such great times while away too! Camps and retreats aren't bad. I think that God asks us to be generous with everything and those things are probably included. But time...time is hard. It requires extra effort and patience and more energy than I have some days.

And it's not JUST with our kids. If it were it would maybe be a little less daunting. It's with our spouses and our family members and friends and coworkers and whoever else we're investing in (hint hint DISCIPLING AND GROWING). It's getting to KNOW the people in my life and taking them with me when I do things. It's listening when they talk and sharing my life with them in return (which is way harder for me. "So tell me about life...uh huh, uh huh...awesome! Oh how am I? I'm great! LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR STUFF AGAIN!"  Amiright??). I'm exhausted just thinking about it...

I obviously don't have this all figured out. I just know that I want to be someone who is intentional with my time. I want to share it openly, yet wisely. I want to invest in the things I do with my people. And make memories. I want to KNOW the people in my life (I feel like that's a crazy thought.  Aren't we supposed to just use 'hey! How are you?!' as a greeting???). I want to choose to teach instead of doing things myself, even though doing things on my own is faster, and probably better (well...it is! Don't judge). I want the my people to know that I KNOW them and I want for them to KNOW me.

I wonder how different my life would look with a few little changes in intentionality.

And I'm hoping to find out...

I needed a reminder

I have been talking to quite a few people lately about the idea of living a good story (insert Donald Miller and Bob Goff quotes here...because they are all amazing and I just don't have the time to copy the books they have written into this space). I LOVE the thought of living a good story. One with adventure. And excitement. And generosity. And courage. And so much love. WHO DOESN'T? My husband talks incessantly about movies like ' Braveheart' and 'Gladiator' and even 'The Secret Life of Walter Mitty' (which I'm sorry to say I fell asleep in the middle of and will not stop being bothered by so many people in my world until I watch the thing...until the end. Why do movies have to be so long anyway?) 

And of course, all of this good-story talk has led me to evaluate my life, past and present. The truth is (because I can be a selfish and present-centered girl at times) I tend to look at what I'm doing day to day and see a life of dishes, kitchen cleaning (why is it dirty again the minute I walk into any other room of the house????) running the kids to events and other uninspiring tasks. Sometimes I lay in bed at the end of the day and wonder where the day went and if I was productive for even a second of it. And the last couple of days I came to the realization...we usually don't get to see stories happen on day to day basis, I guess unless you're Jack Bauer, and then every minute of your life is spent saving the good people of LA...and sometimes the president. 

And most amazing stories don't look so amazing in the present time! I think that's why God says 'Remember' a lot to us. Because He has done so many things with and through us but a lot of times we have to look back to see. 

Being a year out of my daughter, Lanie's double transplant has caused me to look back a lot. And to remember. And not just about the last year, but in general. 

Like the time I was 'asked to leave' a university after only being there for a day shy of three weeks and ended up in a small Iowa city I honestly couldn't pronounce the name of at first. Also, let it be known that Texas geography can use some help and the whole trip up to Iowa I thought I was moving to Idaho. In that small Iowa town I found Jesus. And who I really was. And met people that would mold and shape my life even to this present day. Wow. God's sovereignty is real. 

And also like the time Luke and I were shocked when the day we graduated college there were no phone calls with people begging for us to come and work for them with our newly held degrees. I mean, the nerve. We were valued college graduates ready to make our mark on the world whole by accepting offers from high paying companies with plenty of benefits. Apparently that's not how things work. Fortunately for us Luke's family had a drivable camper that we could live in for a few months until we figured out what we wanted to do in life...in his parents yard. Because...Missouri. Our two years in Missouri were a huge blessing by the way, where good story after good story intertwined and God's provision reigned. 

And the time we had a baby boy and 15 months later a baby girl. And we had no idea what to do as parents. I can't believe the hundreds of times we could have killed them...not figuratively. Literally. We are clumsy and unaware. It's a miracle we have stayed alive as long as we have. 

And then when the sweet doctor came into our hospital room a day after Alaina was born and told us her heart was struggling a little, as was her liver, but he felt as though it was nothing serious, just something to be watched. 

And when Lanie was 10 days old and we brought her to the University of Iowa and she was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. A month later, Jackson was also diagnosed. Something close to two days later I freaked out and determined that there's no way I could have any more kids and bring them into a world of sickness and disease and we made too many decisions out of fear and uncertainty. 

And then when God held me for a whole year after Lanie was born while I dove quickly and deeply into despair and hopelessness. And even in the midst of that darkness...God's voice and love was real and encompassing. 

And then I remembered the time our sweet family and friends gathered around us in Sumner and fasted and prayed for 40 days. And the miracles God performed over that year. Both kids were taken off their CF meds and vests and put on a trial period to see how they would do on their own. You guys. No lie. That was in November of 2009 and they have NEVER been put back on. God is healer! CF is an incurable disease...except it's not! Because God is who He says He is

And all of the hospital stays and stories that came out of those. Our hospital times aren't remembered as lonely or desperate. Sure. There are peppered sections of frustration and anxiety and sadness. But that's not how they look as a whole. They Are Beautiful. And full of people I love and treasure and of God showing Himself in ways that I didn't understand before. 

And also of the times I felt lost, or alone, or made decisions based solely on emotion or selfishness (and there were plenty of those) and how God loved and protected and comforted and also disciplined. 

Stories are made in our lives everyday. 

But not because of us or who we are or what we try to do, but because of God. All of my stories begin and end with Him and what He's already doing in and around me. 

The truth is that God makes awesome stories and we get to be a part of them. When I try and figure out how my life can be an epic story, I fail. I grumble when I see monotony and feel like I'm missing out on everything that involves action and justice and just pure awesomeness. But when I walk with Him, I get to see my life differently. For the adventure and gift that it is...even if sometimes I have to take the time to sit back and remember.